A guy is 84 years old and loves to fish.
一個84歲的老先生喜歡釣魚。

He was sitting in his boat the other day
when he heard a voice say, ‘ Pick me up. ‘
一天，他坐在船上釣魚的當下聽到
一個聲音說：「把我拿起來。」 !

He looked around and couldn ‘ t see anyone.
他四處張望，卻四下無人。

He thought he was dreaming
when he heard the voice say again, ‘ Pick me up. ‘
當他又聽到「把我拿起來」時，
他以為是他的幻覺。

He looked in the water and there,
floating on the top, was a frog.
他往水中定神一看，
那裡正有一隻青蛙浮在水面上。

The man said, ‘ Are you talking to me? ‘
老先生問道：「你在跟我說話嗎？」

The frog said, ‘ Yes, I ‘ m talking to you.
青蛙回道：「對，就是我啊！」

Pick me up then, kiss me and
I ‘ ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
將我拿起來，吻我，
我就會變為你今生所見最漂亮的女人。

I ‘ ll make sure that all your friends are envious
and jealous because I will be your bride! ‘
我確定你的朋友是既羨慕又嫉妒，
因為我即將成為你的新娘。

The man looked at the frog for a short time,
reached over, picked it up carefully,
and placed it in his front pocket.
老先生凝視青蛙片刻後，伸出手，
很小心地托起青蛙放入他前面的口袋裡。

The frog said, ‘ What, are you nuts?
Didn ‘ t you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride. ‘
青蛙說：「怎麼，你瘋啦？你沒聽我說嗎？
我說，吻我，然後我就會成為你美麗的新娘。」

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
‘Nah, at my age I ‘ d rather have a talking frog. ‘

他撥開他的口袋，看著青蛙說：
「算了，以我這樣的年紀，
我寧願有一隻會說話的青蛙。」

The teacher replies ?The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.?

Then Little Johnny says ?I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married??

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ?Well I suppose the one that?s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone?

To which Little Johnny replied, ?The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking”!!

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever..
I’ve been a good woman to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk dress.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your games.
You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you are cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Wife
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch my games so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was
‘You look just like a boy!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk dress: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them,
& I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars,
I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.
So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla(woman)………I hope that’s not a problem

Employee:    Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss:            Yes.

Employee:    I won’t beat around the bush.   Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss:            A raise?   I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee:    I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss:            Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.  How does that sound?

Employee:    Great!   It’s a deal!   Thank you, sir!

Boss:            Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee:    Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
‘Hi, how are you? ‘
我正要坐下如廁時，聽到隔壁間的人突然開口說 “嘿，你好嗎?”

I ‘ m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don ‘ t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,  ‘ Doing ‘ just fine! ‘

我不是那種習慣跟人家在廁所打交道的人。我不知道自己遇上什麼情況，我尷尬地回答 “還好啊!”

And the other person says:  ‘ So what are you up to? ‘
然後隔壁間的人又接著問： “你在做什麼呢?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I ‘ m thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
‘Uhhh, I ‘ m like you, just sitting here. ‘
這是什麼問題啊? 當下我真的覺得太詭異了。於是我回答”嗯 …跟你一樣坐在馬桶上啊”

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
‘Can I come over? ‘
此時我只想要趕快離開廁所，接著隔壁間的人又問：”我可以過來嗎?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me.  I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
‘No……..I ‘ m a little busy right now!!! ‘
這個真的太荒誕了，於是我打算禮貌地結束這個對話，我說”不行耶….我現在沒空!!!”

Then I hear the person say, nervously:   於是我聽到隔壁間的人緊張地說:

‘Listen, I ‘ ll have to call you back.  There ‘ s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!! ‘

“聽著, 我等一下再打電話給你，因為隔壁間有個笨蛋一直回答我所有的問題 !!”